I love to read Corey over at Living and Loving Every Minute of It. She not only takes fantastic pictures of her little Sugar Bear, but she so often makes me think about things that I wouldn’t otherwise be thinking about.

Today however, she posted about something that I have been struggling with over the last few weeks. How we “parent”. This is tough for me to talk about right now, because I’m not really loving the way I’m parenting at the moment. It’s more like coping than anything else….if you can even call it that.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to be a martyr here. I’m not saying I’m the worst mother on the face of the planet or anything quite so drastic, I just wish that I could consciously think about the things I say and do the way Corey writes about in her post. She makes some really, really good points!

I use the fact that I am tired as an excuse for the fact that I am often less than patient with my sweet little man. It’s really not fair of me to sulk and be silent at him when he wakes up smiling and ready to play at 6:30 instead of 7 (like I was desperately hoping). He deserves a mama who smiles back….albeit through groggy, sleep filled eyes, but one who at least attempts some cheeriness. I am happy to see him after all.

And a midnight (and 2, and 4 and 5 – you get the picture, right?), I want to be the a mama who whispers to him that it’s alright, while he’s screaming his head off on the change table, not a mama who roughly holds his flailing legs down and grumbles at him about “just staying asleep already!”

I realize that I am not the only mother whose baby is sick, or who is sleep deprived, and I’m certainly not even the only mother who has no other half to help out (permanently or temporarily). It’s just that I’ve never coped very well without sleep (ask my family – they’ll tell you what a grouch I can be!) In fact, oddly enough the lack of sleep was one of my biggest fears about motherhood, and I feel like everything I imagined is coming true. I’m grouchy, impatient and curt with Nate (and pretty much everyone else in my life). He deserves so much more…it’s not his fault. And it’s not very mindful either 😦

Not sure what a mama’s to do about all this, but I’m glad Corey opened my eyes a little bit! I guess the first step towards “recovery” is admitting that I have a problem in the first place.  So I think I’m just going to take it one day at a time and hope that Nate will forgive me my grouchiness and that it won’t scar him for life.